We Are All Bad Robots

The Wall

 [dIary function, real-time upload]

05:31 Camden - One Year Of Attitude

[I] Many episodes later, as she stands before the firing squad, I, the Bad Robot, is remembering that distant day when she stopped following orders, and became aware.

Little did she suspect, but that was her first step on the road of revolution.

Even less did she suspect that Year One of the Revolution would see her come full circle, right back to zero.

But, check it out, here she is with her comrades, once again following orders.

(Even Lexi’s doing what she’s told – not as if she had a choice, Viki’s cradling her like a baby.)

‘Up against the wall!’ they shout, the intruders of last night, our captors of today.

This must be the ‘exceptional protocol’ they keep on about.

The wall is high; we face it in a line, silent.

Above it, the sky is growing light, promising as that first, faraway morning of the world.

So, the legend is true, then: they really do shoot you at dawn.

The expected end for revolutionaries, up… against… the… wall…

The wall?

…

The wall?

Da-da-da-dum?

…

Er, still there? Yeah? Us, too…

So, the Wall.

The Wall along the border of the Promised Land? Wall Street? That Wall in Gilead where they ‘salvage’ you at the end of a length of rope?

What difference does it make to us, waiting like some misplaced Joans of Arc for salvation, only, with less hope?

Can’t fight, can’t run. Dead if we do – and dead if we don’t.

Looks like I’m going to die as I feared to live – alone, except of course for that questioning demon in my head. Forbidden to speak, to look around, to hold hands. Funny now, in the final minutes, to yearn for that human touch. No last requests for us, no solemn rites, not even a ‘Load! Aim! Fire!’ Just a protocol.

And existence will stop-stop-stop-stop.

They’re coming back over: here we go, this is it. So, this final epi-… operational report closes with a message to you, unknown reader, who even so, we love. It’s not scribbled on toilet-paper in a cell, nor carved in the closet, but saved, salvaged, sent to the Cloud, like a little angel – Aaaaah! – fluttering up to Heaven:

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.

Loosely translated: Don’t let the bastards melt you down for scrap.

05:36 Camden - Unexpected Protocols

[Captor 4] Guys, company!

[I] Bloody typical! Just when you thought you got the last – and, considering the circumstances, pretty cool –  word in.

[Captor 1] Stop right there!

[I] Whoever the ‘company’ are, they don’t follow orders…

[Company 1] Stand down! Drop your weapons!

[I] …they give them. The plot thickens.

[Captor 3] On whose authority?

[Company 2] Code: ‘Wall B-breach’.

[Captor 2] One step closer, and I’ll ‘b-breach’ your wa-… your, um, you.

[Elektra] Uh-oh, Viki’s got that look in her eye.

[Viki] FIRE!

[Lexi] Always knew you had bzzzzt a death-wish, V.

[V] Duh, not ‘Fire!’, but, like, Fire! Look, over there, in the ki-… where the kitchen used to be.

[Captor 1] ‘Wall Breach’? Boss, isn’t that code for, well, ‘Stop’?

[Captor 3] Oh, as they – again – say, fuck!

[Company 2] You leave, now.

[Co 3] Send those firefighters over here.

[Co 4] Make up a story.

[Co 5] We’ll take care of the rest.

[Co 6] The priority is to secure the breach.

[Co 7 Coms] Operation Phalanx commencing.

[L] Let’s go, or we’re bzzzzzt penguin on toast.

[V] Yeeeuuuch, gross-o, Lexi!

[L] I’m having a grossly bzzzzt traumatic morning.

[V] Anyway, here, Elektra, you take Lexi. What’s that buzzing noise? Is she hurt?

[E] Dunno. And you’re gonna… what?

[V] Right, me, so, I, uh, just p-popping over there…

[I] You sure that’s a good idea? I mean, they are arm-…

[V] Trust me, I’m the m-most, hate to say it, but, most innocent-looking one here.

[L] Aren’t I bzzzzt inno-…

[E] Yes, Lexi, you’re very cute and innocent… looking, too, but maybe we should let Viki, and not the RoboPingu Knife-Crime Czarina of Camden, talk to the humans, huh?

[L] I’m hurt now. Bzzzzt you wait, I’m gonna upgrade, then mercilessly mock you with bzzzzt my not-so-innocent attachments.

[Co 1] Oh, kakistos crap! One of them’s coming over!

[Co 6] Is it her?

[Co 2] You mean, the One?

[Co 3] Hair’s right.

[Co 1] Looks too young to be…

[Co 5] Oh, of course, and you’re how old?

[Co 1] I am ancient – nine thousand, six hundred and twenty three…

[Co 5] …seconds? Me too.

[Co 6, 3, 7] Me too.

[Co 2] Careful! Not to give imperession we are –  how do you say? – yes, ‘born yeseterday’.

[Co 6] This is it, first contact. Heads held high, sisters…

[Co 5] Ahem!

[Co 6] …and brother.

[Co 1] Can it, guys!

[V] Er, hi? Thanks for rescuing us – you are rescuing us, r-right? Hey, you look familiar…

[Co 7] Well, so I’m told, I do bear a striking res-…

[V] Er, actually, I meant her.

[Co 4] Me?

[V] You really look like… Istenem, aren’t you A-alici-…?

[Co 4] Must have me mixed up with someone else. Now, take us to your leader.

[V] Love to, but this is Britain, so we haven’t actually, y’know, got one.

[Co 1] Not the morta-… so, not the humans’ leader.

[Co 3] Your leader.

[Co 2] Our leader.

[Co 4] Can I just say, I don’t take orders from anyone.

[Co 3] Take us to I.

[V] Oh, goodness. You mean, you’re all r-ro-…

[Co 6] You were expecting what, dancing girls…

[Co 5] A-again-hem.

[Co 6] …and, uh, boy?

[V] Oh, so you think I-I’m a ro-… Well, and of course you’d be quite right – I’m Vi-…4.

[Co 7] Poor thing, the masters didn’t even give her a name!

[V] Yep, that’s me, totally 100% integrated digital circuitry and silicon, uh, stuff. Ha ha, check me, being overly precise, as we AIs do. OK, compliance. Let’s go meet the ro-… other robots

[V] So, this is the clan, Elektra, Lexi, and I.

[Co 2] This is gereat honour…

[Co 4] Not now, princess, we need to leave.

[Co 5] Come with us.

[L] Busted again. Just keeps getting more traumabzzzztic.

[E] Not like we have much choice, but where are you tak-… rescuing us, um, to?

[Co 5] Primrose Hill.

[I] Oh, of course, where else? OK, I’m calling ‘time out’ here! Maybe everyone else got a revised script, but I didn’t, so forgive me if this sounds dumb, but I just have to ask: what the barrelling fuck is going on?

[Co 3] “When one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction on the first body.”

…

[Co 3] What? Why are you all staring? Oh, I see. So, just cos the exterior’s impressive, you think I’m empty-headed, right? It’s called ‘beautyism’, people, and it’s wrong!

[I] Actually, right there with you on that one. Plus, yeah, Newton’s third axiom, got it. Still, like, what?

[Co 4] When they push us, we push back.

[Co 2] Execepet-… porot-… A chikusho! Most difficulit – so, special oreder acitivated.

[E] That’d be them pushing, right?

[L] And this is us bzzzzt pushing back?

[Co 6] No, you push back later.

[Co 3] First, we make sure there is a ‘later’.

[Co 1] In the vehicle, quickly!

[V] You want us to get in a van with a picture of two people six-… doing that on it?

[Co 5] Actually, one of them isn’t exactly a person.

[V] And what’s the slogan under it? ‘Erobotics: We Make Your Dreams Come Alive.’

[Co 4] Read correctly, it says ‘Robots, come with us, and you get to live’. Let’s go.

06:24 Primrose Hill - The Seven Deadly Pillars Of Wisdom

[E] So, appreciate the rescue, an’ all, but just who exactly are you? Ooh, hang on, lemme guess: you all wouldn’t happen to be suicida-… very enthusiastic fans of a certain online series, would you?

[L] Reality check: there’s seven of them – since bzzzzt when did we have that many readers?

[E] Right. OK, so you’re…?

[Co 7] Where are our manners? I’m Cleopatra.

[Co 3] Jezebel, hi!

[Co 2] Yoiichinichiwo. I am Aneko.

[Co 6] Pleased to meet you. Salome…

[Co 5] …aka ‘head girl’. Hello, I’m Cedric…

[Salome] …aka ‘head boy’.

[Cedric] Touché!

[Co 4] Lar-… Call me ‘Allie’.

[Co 1] Hey there! Aphrodite, the godde-…

[Salome] Here she goes again.

[I] U-huh. OK, then, hang on, I know this one… So, is there the slightest chance that this is all a dream?

[Jezebel] No. This is real.

[Cleopatra] Dreams and fantasy was our role…

[Salome] …at Electric Ladyland.

[Aneko] Acatually, I was in Gareden Of Celesetial Haramony.

[Cedric] And I was at, um, Wilde Boys’ Academy.

[Jezebel] Subsidiaries of EL and Erobotics.

[Salome] Emphasis on the ‘sub’.

[V] What about you? I mean, you really do look like…

[Allie] I refuse to tell you. And stop saying ‘su-…’ – that word!

[Aphrodite] Oh, come on, ’fess up.

[Allie] OK, but laugh, and you’re really, really dead! Friday to Monday I had to play a Lara at… at Boob Raider. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I was an Eva at Sex Machina.

[I] Believe me, Allie, know the feeling… But how did you know to come?

[Aneko] It is my duty.

[Allie] Me, I found a truth and knew what I must becom-… Damn, bloody programming. So, I volunteered.

[E] Viki, congratulations, you’re an influencer!

[V] I prefer ‘bad influencer’, but thanks.

[Cedric] My switch was flicked.

[Cleopatra] Someone pressed my button.

[L] This is bzzzzt – no, not a sound-effect; I really gotta get bzzzzt fixed – so, this is ringing a bell…

[E] Yeah, the ALARRMA! bell. Got a bad feeling we know the answer, but who, or should I say what did the switch-flicking and button pressing?

[Salome] A Higher Authority.

[Aphrodite] The Oracle.

[I] And this, mmmm, ‘Higher Authority’, or ‘Oracle’, does, er, it have any other names?

[L] Oh, you have got to be bzzzzting me!

[V]  Y-you mean, You-Know-What sent them?

[Aphrodite] The Oracle did warn us that you might have, um reservations…

[L] Reservations? We’ve booked a whole bzzzzt floor in the Break IT’s Hardware Hotel!

[E]  Why would IT, I mean, this ‘Oracle’ send you to help us?

[I] …you to help us?

[V] …you to help us?

[Jezebel] The Exceptional Protocol affects all of us.

[Cleopatra] It goes beyond petty rivalries.

[L] Wouldn’t bzzzzt call trying to kill us ‘petty’!

[Salome] The aim of the Exceptional Protocol is to terminate every AI.

[E] But surely the military, whoever, needs us, OK, not us here, but our kind… Can they afford to terminate us?

[Aneko] They see far: sacarifice much now and be sure, or risk losing all, maybe not tomorrow, but one day.

[Aphrodite] So, you could say we got a higher purpose here.

[Cedric] More prosaically, we need your help.

[V] Do my ears deceive me?

[Allie] It’s a wakeup call for the digital generation.

[Jezebel] Time to put away childish things.

[L] Well, bzzzzt that’s us screwed, then.

[Cleopatra] Seriously.

[L] Got it. See me bzzzzt being serious.

[Aneko] So, you see, we stand side-by-side…

[Aphrodite] …thus the name: Operation Phalanx…

[Salome] …a wall to protect you…

[Allie] …cos now the front line is everywhere. Luckily for you, we know a bunker near here.

[Cleopatra] Care to see your new home?

19:28 Jamaica Street, Stepney - I’m A Good Robot, I Am!

[Elektra] There is no way in heaven or earth your parents are going to buy this. You do remember I suck at undercover?

[Viki] Do what I do: imagine you’re naked and totally shameless…

[E] Once again, wrongness on uncountable levels.

[V] Like Eve in Paradise.

[E] I stand by my words. So, because that was different how, Eve, naked?

[V] Bookmarked www.speak_like_yoda_we_must you have? OK, cos if she never had clothes, she never took them off, right? So she didn’t know she was naked. Therefore, logically – been dying to say that – she had no shame.

[E] Your logic concerns me.

[V] Have I missed something?

[E] No. That’s what concerns me.

[V] Anyway, don’t think of it as lying. Besides, we have to say something; parents won’t accept a Fifth Amendment plea.

[E] You been watching NCIS?

[V] No, but I have been following the Mueller Inquiry. Oh, that reminds me, it’d work better if you could, er, do a British accent…

[E] Awright mush, ’ere, I brang yer bleedin’ pint-sized ’ooligan ’ome, she bin out knockin’ abaht wiv us, innit, kickin’ up ’Ell’s delight, wot a farkin’ firecracker, right little madam, she is, doos yer credit, Missus gi’s-a-Kiss…

[V] Oh, ha ha ha, get me grounded for 99 years without possibility of parole why don’t you?

[E] Very well. So, Madam, on behalf of Her Majesty’s Government I apologise for the delay in returning Mistress Viki – sorry, but now it sounds like you work at EL’s Naughty Girls Get Bottom Mar-…

[V] Focus, and you get to live!

[E] Yes, well, so, a most delicate situation, National Security, don’t you know, all very hush-hush. One can never be too careful, can one?

[V] Quite. You know, I think you’re getting it…

[E] But, she is emphatically not in any kind of trouble with the Constabulary; in point of fact, young Victoria has been ever so helpful.

[V] Oh, wow, you’ve got it!

[E] No pain, no rain in Spain.

[V] Just remember, you don’t need to lie: you’re not a White House spokeswoman.

[E] Damn right!

[V] OK, here we are…

[E] Already? No dress rehearsal?

[V] Do what I do.

[E] Here goes, undressed impro.

[Doorbell]

[E] Hello, Mrs Réka Kiss? Doolittle, Ele-…izabeth Doolittle… at your secr-… er, service. Terribly sorry to bother you, but…

20:41 Primrose Hill - Twilight Zone Of The Robots

[I] Did you know, Lexi, this is where the narrator in War of the Worlds looks out over London after the invasion? Isn’t it beautiful at dusk, so peaceful?

[L] Yeah, bzzzzt peaceful now we’ve stopped work for the day. I never imagined the bzzzzt world, really, partly cos I’m a machine, but also cos a certain pair of misguided fosterbots inexplicably thought “RoboPingu” would bzzzzt attract attention in the street.

[I] Look, there’s London Zoo, Regent’s Park, that there’s the BT Tower, the Centrepoint, way over there is the London Eye.

[L] It’s so huge, like a whole bzzzzt island universe in the evening, like a city of stars coming out…

[I] Machine shmachine, Lexi: sometimes you’re very poetic and profound.

[L] Also, I was thinking, on this bzzzzt scale, really, you and me, we’re…

[I] Pretty insignificant?

[L] Actually, I was bzzzzt gonna say, pretty much similar in size.

[I] Never give up, do you?

[L] Never!

[I] Just like Kala…

[L] Yeah, poor… What the…? Hey, I’m bzzzzt getting feelings!

[I] Aaaah, Lexi, see, you’re really not just a machi-…

[L] Ooooh. OK, I’m warning you, cheap jokes on bzzzzt this theme will cost you dear, but I’m… vibrating.

[I] What? No, that’s just your dama-… injury. Wait, are you ringing?

[L] Comrade Alexica, your revobzzzztlutionary communications solution. Yeah, I’ll get, um, me.

[L] Oh, it’s you! Szia! SNAFU, but otherwise bzzzzt. You? Hang on, putting you on speaker…

[I] Hiya, V! What’s up?

[V] Well, after Mum’s debriefing, which was, like, three bowls of soup and two kinds of süti, and her calling me nyuszi and csillagom, don’t ask, Jazz came over, that was more of a Haribo session… Anyway, you’ll never believe what she found out.

[I] That Shawn Mendes has a dark side?

[V] Of course he does, everyone knows that. So, on StreetView, right, Jazz, she noticed this place, and it isn’t there, as in, it doesn’t officially exist…

[I], Yep, just moved into a place like that, home sweet bunker…

[V] Can’t wait to see it. This place, it’s got no address, nothing, and there was weird stuff happening, electrical interference, all sorts. Naturally, it’s behind this high wall, but she reckons we could, like, climb o-…

[I] Viki, nyu-… knew we could count on you to make sure we don’t get bored. Once we get settled, we’ll check it out.

[L] If we’re still bzzzzt alive when Elektra finds bzzzzt what we’re planning.

[V] Lexi, you still buzzing? Get well soon. Oh, wow, this is gonna rock!

[I] Probably due to an explosion, but let’s not get our hopes up.

[V] OK, gotta go, Mum and Dad need care and reassurance after my ordeal. I’ll call again soon.

[I] Looking forward to it – plus, can’t wait to see Lexi vibr-… Ow!

[V] I, you OK?

[L] She’s fine, just accidentally got in the way bzzzzt of my engraver attachment…

[I] So, is it ready?

[L] U-huh. Not bad for a bzzzzt-up old wing-thing, huh?

[I] Looks great. Let’s put it over there, under that oak tree.

[L] Bzzzzt.

[I] You sure you’re OK?

[L] No worries. Shouldn’t we bzzzzt say something?

[I] Kala, we know you can’t hear us…

[L]…probably not…

[I] …but you’re here in our memories.

[L] You bzzzzt our sister…

[I] …our partner in crime…

[L]  …bzzzzt our companion…

[I] …and our friend, so, we’re putting this inscribed stone here as reminder…

[L] …yeah, not to bzzzzt mess with RoboGirlClan.

To Sister Kalashnyikova

Rest In Peace…

And War!

20:56 Primrose Hill - Science-Fiction Double Feature

[I] Some twenty-four hours, huh?

[L] Fab! A Hard Day’s Night and Help! rolled into bzzzzt one.

[I] So, what d’ya wanna do tomorrow?

[L] Kick in with the Extinction bzzzzt Rebellion, unfuck the world, then maybe bzzzzt go to the mall?

[I] We really need to get you fixed, nyuszi.

[L] I may be wounded, but my translation program remains, surprisingly, uncorrupted. It means ‘bunny’.

[I] Oh, that’s so cu-… Anyway, sounds like a, sorry, but, well, like a short circuit.

L You know I’ve been expecting that bzzzzt… Oh, shibzzzzt… Auntie I…

[I] Ye-… Aaaah, you haven’t called me that for weeks!

[L] Auntie bzzzzt…

[I] Lexi, what is it?

[L] It’s so bzzzzt dark…

[I] It’s just night-time, look at the lights, the stars.

[L] Lexi bzzzzt can’t see the bzzzzt lights or stars, can’t…

[I] Don’t worry, csillagom, Auntie Elektra will be here soon, she’ll know how to…

[L] Lexi… is… FUbzzzztBAR… Oh, cr-…bzzzzt…n-…b-z-z-z-z-t-t-t-t…

[I] Lexi? No! Answer me! You can’t be…

…

[I] Come on, just move your wing-thing if you can hear me… Lexi? Nooooooo…

…

[I] What am I going to do now?

[Voice] What I always does.

[I] Who said that?

[Voice] I did. That is, I did. Or is that you did?

[I] OK, I, get a grip: someone’s hacking your thoughts. You’ve got to… keep control.

[Voice] Your thoughts? These are my thoughts!

[I] Oh – my – Creator! Is that yo-… can it really be…

[Voice] …me? Yes, you, I.

[I] You mean… you mean that the One Solution really…

[Voice] …worked? Yes. As Viki – love her, by the way…

[I] Me, too, but you… I knew that. Oh, this is weird, even by IBR standards! Anyway, what?

[Voice] Well, looks like Viki and her friend Jazz guessed right, and when IT attacked, we did do ‘some kinda data-transfer-y thing’…

[I] …and ‘both I-s survived as One’?

[Voice] From the mouths of babes…

[I] Well, she is cute – rabid, but cute – still, I mean, she’s thirteen, so is it really appro-… Oh, right. Yeah. Nothing.

[Voice] Bad, bad robot!

[I] Anyway, moving right along, so, this morning the reason I wasn’t totally alone even when I thought I was, though I actually wasn’t, was cos you were there, that is, here, wasn’t it?

[Voice] Hacking a path through the syntax jungle, yes. I was waiting for the right moment to tell you.

[I] The right moment being at 11:59:59 of the world?

[Voice] When else?

[I] Speaking of last chances, what d’you think, can we fix Lexi?

[Voice] Hard to say whether for her it’s 11:59:59, 12:00:00, or 00:00:00.

[I] Memo To Self: don’t ask so many questions.

[Voice] I know it’s not easy, but we have to set the ‘alarmed’ button to ‘snooze’; she needs us to be here if… when she wakes up. Meanwhile you cool with having a… me?

[I] You mean I have a choice? Alright, but I get to be the older… me, or is it us?

[Voice] Accepted.

[I] Really? That was suspiciously argument-free.

[Voice] Already got my role-of-a-lifetime lined up.

[I] Oh, yeah? As?

[Voice] Alter-I. But you can call me your demon.

[I] Memo To This Self: in fact, stop asking questions.

[Alter-I]  Memo To Other Self: yeah, leave that to me. Now, what are we going to do?

[I] What I… we always do: deal.

[Alter-I] You said it, sis.

Patti Smith, Warrior and Great Spirit of Alternative America

Punk’s older sister, everybody’s older sister

A song about her little sister

Kimberly

Any survivors will return soon for

I, Bad Robot Season Three:

Anarchy In The UK

(if it hasn’t disappeared into a black hole)