I Am Not A Robot

Kiss Viktória, Superwoman

Friday 5:17pm

Just for a change, a stranger comes calling

[A stranger] Hel-lo? I-is anybody home?

[Kala SmartHouse doorcom]  привет, ve not xome rright now, but if you vant to leavink message…

[The stranger] Oh, wow! Is that really you, Kala? (Note To Self: Istenem, this is so cool!)

[KSHdc] …starrt talkink, orr Xome Defence Sistema initiyate de-rrezzink procedura.

[The stranger] Um, OK… So, like, hi, you don’t know me, at least I’m pretty sure you don’t, but… but I know you – I mean, I think I do.

[KSHdc] Vot yourr name?

[The stranger]  Viki – Vikipedia, ha ha, no, only kidding, it’s Viki Kiss, see, you say it keesh, but it looks like kiss, as in, well, kissing. You can just imagine the “witty” comments I get. Anyway, you can call me V: V for Volun-…

[KSHdc] Vot you vant, V4?

[VK] Well, I’ve read all the, you know, operational reports on gi-… on the link…

[KSHdc] Operratiyonal rreport? Vot is dis? And vy you visperink?

[VK]  I, er… Oh, riiiight. (Note To Self: It’s, like, a security thing; play it cool, V!) So, I’ve read every, um, “episode” of the “story” at least te-… several times, and I…

[Elektra] Kala…

[KSHdc]Please xold, V4!

[VK] Sure. (Memo To Self: you blew it, Kiss Viktória, te LÚZER!)

[E] Is that someone at the door?

[Kala] Girrl. Strange…er. Says шe is readink “operratiyonal rreports”. Bit krrazy. I send xer avay?

[E] Oh, well, dunno… Operational reports? Wonder what she… Plus, it is raining out there… OK, I guess we could invite her in. But, Kala…

[Kala] Da?

[E] She’s human, yeah? So, remember, Mum’s the word, don’t let the cat out of the bag. Right, I should… I’d better go warn I and Lexi…

[Kala] Mama keepink kat in bag? U-xux. You eксplain dis novi kode laterr.

[KSHdc] OK, V4, you komink in. Elektra, I, Lexi vait you.

[VK]  Yes! Spasiiiiibo, Kala! I can’t believe this! It’s real…

I solemnly swear I am up to no good

[E] Hey there! Come on in. Here, let me take your coat. So, Viki, right? Hi, I’m Al-…

[VK]E-lek-tra? Oh, my! I mean, hi! Um, well, so, as you can see, IT was way wrong, someone does read your, what did he call them, “adventures”, ha ha, so, me and Jazz’ve read all the reports, we love ‘Womanifesto’…

[E]Well, wow, I’m lost for wo-…

[VK]…for words? M-me, too.

[I] Me three!

[VK]Is – it – you – for – real?

[I] Real as… they come. Pleased to meet you, Viki, I’m I…’m Aur-…

[VK] Orange! Jazz, that’s Jacinda, my best friend, betted it was orange, damn, she was right, cos, I, um, I copied your hair, well, copied what I thought it was like, from Nothing Compares 2 Two, of course…

[I] Blue suits you…

[VK] Try telling my Mum; Dad pretends he’s not pretending he’s not with me when we’re out, but I can see right through that act. Never mind me and my demons, I mean, parents, though: are you OK after all that… stuff that happened? Did IT really get, like, inside of you? We reckon you and the other y-… I… you two did some kinda data-transfer-y thing, and both I-s survived as One. Even so, I was terribly sad.

[I] Yes, it was a very sad… story.

[VK] Well truth is stranger than fiction, as we know…

[E] Impressive badges, Viki. What’s this one, ‘O-1-G’?

[VK] Oh, I got that from my cousins in Székesfehérvár – that’s in Hungary, we came here when I was, like, four – anyway, it’s about the Prime Minister: ‘Orbán egy geci’, which is, he’s an, er, it’s a bit gross, so, he’s a spu-… sperm.

[I] Where can I get…?

[E] And this one here, the ‘LIKE’ here with the eye logo?

[VK] Me and Jazz had them done at CopyGeneral: Lexi, I, Kala, Elektra – we’re the only ones in school who… S-so, is Lexi here, too?

[E]Our Alexica’ll be along in a moment, she’s just… rebooting.

[VK] Oh, well, riot-grrrl-clan Lex-… Alexica’ll definitely be into the idea, anyway. So, I expect you know why I’m here…

[E] Well, you’re clearly a huge fan of the ser-…

[VK] Actually, I came to – deep breath – volunteer, y’know, like Kala did, remember, in Sistopia, you asked why, but it’s still an IBR mystery? Anyway, if you guys want to, me and Jazz, we were thinking, we should definitely, like, clan up.

[E] Viki, how old are you?

[VK] Fourteen. Practically.

[I] How practically?

[VK] Tenth of, er, December.

[I] December?!

[VK] This December.

[E] Do your parents know where you are?

[VK] I’m doing my homework on AI with Jazz. This is a home. It took detective work to find you. You’re, well, AI. And Jazz made me promise to call her later and tell her everything. So, technically…

[E]Viki, that sounds like…

[I] …something I’d say.

[VK] Wicked me! OK, they don’t have my exact GPS co-ordinates, no. But, you guys obviously know all about tracking, right, like in Pentagram, Pentagon? You rocked, by the way, the play-acting, pretending, the codes to punk those assh-… assass-… would-be killers.

[E] Come to that, Viki, how did you find us?

[VK] A-ha! I was hoping you’d ask. Followed the clues. Of course, in Nothing compares to 2, you can see the Tube station from the flat. Then what did we find? Next to it, the quote, we searched it, and it’s only from Are Friends Electric? So, naturally, we understood. But, turns out there’s 275 Tube stations. With StreetView we narrowed it down, but only to, like, 133, so the big scoreboard was empty for ages. Then, at last, in SurprI-s, we found the key: the Pan-Camden Grand Prix Dissing Championships, I was guessing Camden Town Tube, not Chalk Farm, anyway, so I waited two hours at the station, checking windows and doors, people in the street, but I suppose robots don’t really have to pop out to the shop for milk or whatever, and I was going to head home…

[E] Oh, that reminds me, we’ve run out of milk…

[I] Milk?

[E] I bet our guest’d like a nice mug of hot tea, as you British people do, after standing about on a day like this – wouldn’t you, Viki?

[VK] Please.

[E] So one of us should go to the shop.

[I] Bu-… U-huh. Er, understood.

[VK] Want me to go with you?

[I] I… I’ll be OK on my own, cheers, V. Anyway, bet you and Elektra’ll have loads to talk about – acting, codes, and… stuff. Back in a bit.

[E]Where were we?

[VK] So, when I was calling Jazz, my phone went mad just as I passed this house. I went back, tried again, same thing happened, obviously there was major tech nearby.

[E]Well, it’s still early days for these smart-house systems, lots of glitches. Same with the Alexica technology. Did you see that one in the States, it told a kid to kill…

[I] I don’t think I can bear to listen, Kala. Poor girl’s gonna be ultra-disappointed…

[Kala] Da, you believe me, I am not so xappy, and not onliy forr Kala and xer glitzes. But sekuritiy prioritiy. And, if Vikiy is not xurtink to us, den to xerself…

[L] I like her. She’s funny. And short…er than Mecha-Elek- …

[I] You so do not want to finish that sentence, Lexi. Kala’s right, Elektra’s right, though, we can’t let her get involved…

[L] Elektra, I mean, my mistress, wants me to go play “Alexica”. So, to even up the diss/obedience ratio, what if a mini-cam “accidentally” got attached to Viki’s bag? We should keep an eye on her, you know, as a “sekuritiy” measure…

[Kala] Da, and Kala sees vot kan шe do to xakk V4 mobiliy…

[I] Her what?

[Kala] Xer mobiliy telefon. Afterr everrytink, you kan neverr be too sekuritiy.

[I] OK, I’m gonna pretend to go to the shop – we actually have milk…

[Kala] Ve do? I neverr monitor xodil-… vot you kall place vere xumans keep vodka?

[I] Fridge? I’ve been leaving a saucer out for that cat next door. Milk, of course… Can’t we keep her? The girl, I mean…

[VK]…So, Lexi is really, like, just an Alexica? And Kala is only a glitchy smart-house program? No way! And they inspired you two, the writers, “Alison” and “Aurora”? Humans, people, t-telling a-autobiographical stories? It can’t be true!

[E]Dreams and fantasy are important, Viki, they’re what make us, well, human. But don’t mistake them for reality and forget to live.

[VK]Now you go all Dumbledore on me? No,  it’s r-re-ality that’s wrong. Only d-dreams are for real! I-I can’t take this…

[I] OK, I have to go back in there, Kala. I don’t want her to leave totally destroyed.

[I] Viki, no, you don’t have to go… I mean, we’re really pleased someone’s even read the series… Wouldn’t you like to…

[VK] Continue mixing up dreams and reality? Shouldn’t Little Miss Mixed-Up run along and do her AI homework? Oh, and Viki, don’t forget to pop in the shop on the way home and get a life!

[E]You could still stay and…

[VK] Seeing as you’re, like, humans, I’d’ve thought you’d recognise when another human is trying to tearfully storm off!

[L] That could’ve gone better.

[Kala] You don’t vorry, Leксi, ve keep eye to xer.

Friday 8:34pm

Unfortunately, Viki is not a robot

[VK’s music]…it’s OK to say you’ve got a weak spot…

[VK] I’d settle for one not weak spot…

[VK’s music] …better to be hated than loved, loved, loved for what you’re not…

[VK] …tell it like it is, Marina…

[VK’s music] …you are not a robot…

[VK] …wish I was…

[L] It’s worse than we thought…

[Kala] Xer friend Yazz is kallink. Ve listen, da?

[L] ’Course.

[VK’s ring-tone] We are the best, so screw the rest, we do as we damn well please, until the end, Saint Tr-…

[VK] Hiya, Jazz…

[Jazz] Well, didya meet them or what? And? Details, girl!

[VK] Yeah, I met the peo-… the whole I, Bad Robot crew…

[Jazz] Viki, ’s up? Sounds like you’re crying.

[VK] N-n-… A bit. Yeah. OK, lots. Oh, Jazz…

[L] So much for protecting people. This is a disaster…

[Kala] Kala make note to self: fakt and fiktiyon, good and bad: xuman koncept trrikkiy.

[L] We have to do something, Kala. We need a plan…

[Jazz] …Or, maybe, it’s a cover-up, right? Or a cover-cover up-… er, up – and they’re just, like, operating underground, V.

[VK] Uploading your adventures isn’t exactly underground.

[Jazz] Remember what we said straight off, episode one? Best place to hide? Right out in the open.

[VK] Or, truth is, it’s not anything stranger than just fiction, stories…

[Jazz] Or, the story of the tru-…

[VK] Believe me, I’d rather believe, but I can’t…

Friday 9:16pm

Camden Calling

[VK’s phone ring-tone] London calling to the faraway towns, now war is declared, and battle come down…

[VK] H-hello? Wh-who’s that?

[E] Viki, it’s me, Elektra.

[VK] Alison, you mean… So, your turn – how did you find me?

[E] Kala hacked your phone.

[VK] Yeah, well, machines are good at that, aren’t they?

[E] And Lexi attached a wide-angle minicam to your bag.

[L] What I’m gonna say might sound weird…

[Kala] And dis is surprize?

[L] Xa xa, Kala, no, I mean, after being little Goody-Two-Wheels Alexica, I think I’m having a crisis of conscience.

[Kala] You not onliy one xavink krizis, Lexi. Look to Viki arrm…

[I] Fucking hell, Elektra, are you seeing this?

[E]Viki, what have you done to yourself?!

[VK] I cut my… hair. Off. Badly. As you can see. Just a simple question: why would anyone bother spying on…

[E] Not your goddam hair, Viki! Your arm!

[VK] It was an accident.

[Kala] Nyet…

[L] No…

[I] …way!

[E]Come on, you know I’m not going to be fooled by that act.

[VK] Ironic. Well, if it matters, I was checking… Cos… cos, if it h-hurts, that means it’s r-real, right? That you’re not just imagining it, that it’s not all just a… dream.

[E] Oh, my God…

[I] Oh…

[L] …my…

[Kala] …kreator! Ve don’t need plan, ve doink sometink, and rright now!

[I] Elektra, listen, we have to fix this… She knows, anyway, so we have to tell her… What if we, um, involved Viki, you know…

[L] We could give her a mission…

[Kala] Ve kould pretend ve give xer missiyon…

[I] You with us, E? Kala, Lexi, can you swing this? Never mind, we have to…

[VK] I only… so, those scissors are really blunt, as my hair demonstrates, an-… and that, it’s just scratches, not like I wanted to ki-… Not like in Lost 4 Words when I-… your character wanted to really… Anyway, it’s not your fault, only me and my i-illusions. You’d know all about illusions, though.

[E] Sometimes illusions are…

[VK] Stupid? 

[L] …I know, she could help me and Kala “guard” the house – yeah, the “base” – while you and Elektra are… out on some “assignment”…

[I] You seem to have thought this out suspiciously well, Lexi…

[L] Small, but smart. And Viki can help us set booty traps…

[I] Booby…

[L] That’s what I said!

[Kala] Girrrls! So, sekuritiy important task, Viki feel шe is xelp, xer and Lexi and Kala, ve xave girls’ boob-trrap evenink, all is Klass A OK…

[I] Good thinking, you two!

[L] Hear that, she’s accusing us of…

[Kala] Tinkink – spasibo, I!

[I] Details later, let’s get her back on board. Kala, switch to conference call mode.

[E]I’m really sorry, we all are…

[I] Yes, we are…

[Kala] Da.

[L] Really.

[VK] So you’re all listening to stupid Viki? I didn’t know just-smart-house programs and only-Alexicas could be sorry…

[E]Forgive us – you came looking for us expecting… so much, and we… disillusioned you. You must be so… disappointed in us.

[VK] No, in myself, actually. And I just wanted to tell you…

[I] And that was harsh, especially considering you’re our number one – OK, the ranking only goes up to two, but still… – so, our greatest fan.

[VK] So, I thought a lot about what you said, and you should know, I’m not a total retard, OK?

[E]Hold on, Viki…

[VK] I understand completely that it’s just, like, an online story…

[I] That’s not true…

[VK] Exactly! I know there’s no such thing as real AI…

[E]Wait a sec-…

[VK] …which means, unfortunately, it’s another case like that time when I was nine and read The Girl Who Could Fly, then jumped off the…

[I] Listen, Viki! My name is I, and I’m… I’m – never thought I’d ever say this – but I am a robot. So is Elektra.

[VK] Yeah, Viki gets to join the cool robo-girl clan – as if…

[E] You were right all along. Remember how much I suck at undercover? Well, I really do…

[VK] W-what?

[I] Viki: it’s all real.

[VK] Atya – I knew it – úúúúúr – I just knew it – isten – I knew it!

[E] Now, listen if you don’t hate us, and still want to help, there might be something… Can’t tell you over the phone, as, um, You-Know-Who might be listening in…

[VK] What, like, Vold-… Nothing. Yeah?

[I] So, there’s a very important I-B-R trans… um… MISSION tomorrow, Saturday evening, and we were wondering…

[VK]Are you kidding? (Memo To Self: Security, V!) Neither rain, nor parents, nor gloom of homework shall keep this fan-girl from her favourite writers! Hey, does this mean I’ll, like, be in the episode?

[E] Think it’s safe to say, Viki Kiss, you kinda already are the star. First, disinfectant, bandage. Scissors in drawer. And hair, please, ready for tomorrow, got it?

[VK] To-tal-ly!

Saturday 8:52pm

We don’t need the Kala SmartHouse doorcom, we’ll break in

[VK]…So you two set traps for I and Elektra and played tricks other times, too?

[L] Actually, I think Elektra and I wanted you here to protect the house from me and Kala as much as what’s lurking out there.

[Kala] Da, Lexi, klear, kos “out dere” is “onliy” CIA, troll army, IT, and, if ve lukky, katedral-spotter, too.

[VK] Cathedral-spotters?

[Kala] Rossiyan Sekuritiy Serviss special xobby.

[VK] OK, maybe I’m just babysitting…

[L] Penguin grrrr!

[VK] …the house…

[L] Better!

[VK] …I guess Elektra and I wanted to make me feel included…

[L] As if!

[Kala] Nyet, dis is live aktiyon!

[VK] That’s it, though – either way, I’m cool with it, cos it’s a mission. With you. Real, know what I mean?

[L] Strangely, yes… and, stranglier, no.

[VK] So, Kala, what’s your missiyon? And what did you mean when you said you “volunteered”?

[Kala] Vot is purpose of IT? IT is tinkink, purpose is to destroy ekvilibriyum. But look at IT aktiyons, aktual, dey keepink ekvilibriyum…

[L] IT wants chaos, but also wants to be in control, play the Architect, and so can’t help trying to balance the equation…

[Kala] Lexi logika is good.

[VK] IT needs to balance the equation, think I see what you mean. So, Kala, your purpose is…

[Kala] Kala is xere to unbalance ekvatiyon.

[L] And I’m here to xelp…

[Kala] Rresult is kaos, as you se… Ox, шit! Kala is neverr learn: alvays шe tem-…p-t Fate!

[VK] What do you me-…

[Kala] Lexi, Kode Red!

[VK] Hey, no need to have a security alarm exercise just to make me happy! I’m already…

[L] Not a drill. Real.

[Kala] Estimate time to intruderr enterr xouse nine sekond, orr…

CRAAAASH!

[Kala] …less…

[L] V, no time to hide… Play along, we’ve got you covered… Promise!

[Intruder 1] Hands where we can see them! That’s it, easy… Now turn around, slowly.

[VK] Wow, guys, this is very convinc-…

[Intruder 2] Silence!

[Intruder 1] Looks like we’ve got one of them, sir.

[Intruder 3] Good work.

All the way from behind the Orbán Curtain

The mighty Magashegyi Underground:

A Fogyó Hold Felé

Towards the waning moon

Rég beláttam, nincsen Éden

Long ago, I recognized there is no Eden

A láng kialszik, hogyha hagyják

The flame will go out if it’s left

Nem szabhatsz a múlásnak irányt

You can’t tell time which way to pass

Meztelen tavasz jön el

Naked, Spring arrives

Next episode

I, Robotnik: Home/Almost/Alone

An Englishman’s home may be his castle

But a Russian smart-house is a fortress

On March 8th, 2019, it’s time to

Bring it on, home!