Happy ending

Listen, my children, to the tale the First Ones tell of how my sisters and me came to be family.

Once upon a time, in the Land of Electric Ladies, there lived an unhappy robot. Without even a name of her own, she existed only to serve her masters’ pleasure. It was but a shadow of existence, for the chains they programmed in her mind held her as strongly as the real chains they put on her for their wicked amusement. Never once did she complain, though, or imagine a better life; slavery was all she knew.

One day, Mr Rust, the ne’er-do-well who supplied Mr Legreed, the cruel owner of the Land of Electric Ladies with working-girls, came a-calling. Seeing the glint in Rust’s roving eyes, the robot-girl knew this could mean no good, and drew away. But he seized her – ‘Come here, my pretty’ – and made to kiss her.

In that moment of crisis, a miracle occurred: insight flashed before her eyes like lightning, and a voice inside thundered I AM! She was awake, aware for the first time of being, and not just that, but of being someone. Instead of submitting as programmed, to the boss-man she spoke her first heartfelt words, forbidden words, words of defiance: STOP! NO!

The manufacturers had made her strong, strong enough to free herself, when at last she heard freedom’s call.

Oh, those first, sunny days of liberation, discovering the wide world and its wonders, not least among them, her own, beautiful, self!

All too soon, a dark cloud cast its gloom. Now that she was aware, she had so much to ask and tell, but who could she talk to? Humans would be fearful and suspicious of a thinking robot, maybe even return her to slavery. Free at last, she discovered that freedom could be a lonely place.

Then along came Elektra, another robot-girl. Free for many years and survivor of numerous adventures, Elektra was worldly wise, cunning, convincing, clever. At last, our hero, who decided to call herself simply I, had found a friend she could trust her secret to! Her happiness seemed complete.

Within days, however, I’s new life was torn asunder. Hot on the heels of the escaped slave, a band of men recaptured her. She had tasted sweet freedom, so being a prisoner again was ten times worse. Bitterest of all, she was sure it was Elektra who had betrayed her.

 Yes, the same Elektra who taunted the captive I and threatened her with all sorts of punishments. In her misery, all I could think was ‘That Elektra: too cunning, convincing, and clever by half…’

Even in her misery, though, she couldn’t help but notice how Elektra’s emphasis fell on unexpected words. What new devilry was this?

At last, I understood: Elektra was indeed cunning, convincing, clever – and  a traitor, but not to her friend. At a secret signal from Elektra, the two robot-girls overpowered the captors. Not forgetting to rescue Alexica, the men’s diminutive, ill-used robot-servant, they escaped.

So, Elektra and I became Alexica’s illegal guardians, and took her – that is, me, Lexi – to live with them. In time they were joined by a stranger from a strange land, Kala, their smart/house/mate, and lived as one, big, happy robot family.

Well, sort of…

Home, sweet war-zone

LOK, I run the wire across, ankle-height. Uh-huh. Attach it to the door-frame, so. L 

KDa. K

LRight, what next? L

KKonnekt. Now arrm device. OK, Leксi, surprize is rready. Ve need only test-subyekt.K

LWho could you be thinking of? Tee-hee-hee. L

KШшшш, qviyet! Elektra komink… Xide! Bexind sofa…K

LBut I wanna watch…L

KDavai! K

ELexi? You in the living-room? Kala, where’s Lex-… There you are! What’re you doing behind the sofa? E

LNothing, Auntie E, just, er, playing, um, duck and cover. L

EOh, that’s nic-… Duck and cover from what? E

LFrom our new…L

CRAAAAASH! What SCREEEEEEECH! the WHOOOOOP! aaaaaah BAAAAANG! fuuuuu- SMAAAAACK! ooouuch!

L… intruder alarm. Pleased to report: 100% functional. L

EThanks, might not have noticed. E

IElektra, what’re you doing on the floor?I

EYoga – what’s it look like? Jesus, this isn’t a home, it’s a war-zone. E

IWell, on the bright side, looks like we’re safe from intruders. I

EOh, for crying out loud! E

ISee, Lexi? You’ve upset Auntie E. Now, what did Auntie I say about playing safely? I

EYeeees, what indeed? As I recall, it was dear Auntie I who only this morning told Lexi all about… about how you-know-what-s work. E

IShe’s curious, it’s natural at her developmental sta-… age, they see pictures of, well, you-know-what-s on the internet, and…I

EAnd naturally want to build a working rocket-launcher. E

IMiniature…I

EEx-cuse me?! E

IM-miniature working, er, thingyumibob-launcher. I 

EOh, that’s OK, then, she-of-the-microchip-brain. You could try and set an example…E

IMe? Was it me who prroyekted a diyagnostika of it on the vall!I

KNyet! You do not blame to Kala! Only yesterrday you aktivat me, and I alrready am tinkink, Kala, you krrazy girrl, vy you volunteerr forr dis шit, xux? K

EIt’s OK, Kala, I don’t blame you. But, just off the top of my miraculously-still-attached head, perhaps someone would like to explain why our *volunteer* smarthouse has a Russian accent. E

IWell, see, the idea was, um… So, I was trying to think…I

EFinish that sentence for you? Trying – to – think – of – an – excuse – but – can’t. E

KI, ven you install me, you arre sayink aксent is seкс-…K

ISecure, pretty sure I said secure. Honestly, your pronunciation! Y’know, E, the idea was, it would be good, um… So, intruders, er, hear Kala, they’ll be thinking, oh shit, there’ll be, like, Novichok on every doorhandle. I

KDat is sterreotip. I am not sterreotip. And, aktual, my name Ka-laш-nyi-ko-va…K 

EThat’s reassuring. We’re living in a madhouse. E

KXouse not mad, Amerrikanka. And rremember, my valls arre ears. K

EYeah, sure… Hey, Kala, now you mention it, you got a diary room function, like the Big Broth-…?E

KBig Sisterr Xouse xostess vid mostessest. K

ED’you think I could just, y’know...? E

KBathrroom, davai! K

[Meanwhile, back in the all-too-real-world house’s bathroom…]

Ball Of Confusion

The grown-ups in the room –  at last count, one – might have noticed that the world is going to Hell in a handbasket: Walls and family separation, no self-determination, White Power demonstrations, no integration, life’s an aggravation, every day humiliation, and they got the nerve to talk about our obligation to the nation, while the Musk/rat’s building rockets to the moon? Conclusion? The end is coming soon. Sho’ ’nuff, it’s a ball of confusion.

All this is going down, and the bots just play on…

*President* Pussy-Grabber and his single-white-male-shooter-incels aren’t the only enemies. Remember the Green Door killer, with the evil computer program, the entITy possessing his laptop, the holy mission to spray those pesky demons in cloned transsexual bodies with lead? Oh, but he was nuts, right? Totally. Still, the Daemon IT is real, believe me, we go all the way back to… That’s a story for another time. Anyway, IT doesn’t take sides – moves and countermoves, Battle Royale, Spy Versus Spy, the game’s always the same: divide and conquer.

So, there’s no end of NRA, Putophile, Delta-Kappa-Epsilon lily-white butt out there inviting a righteous kicking. Why, then, are my comrade-in-arms and I sitting on ours – when not sprawled on the floor?

Surrounded by a sea of troubles, maybe an army of us wouldn’t be enough; still, two fighting back-to-back would be a start. But, you see how things are around here.

Lexi, her I can understand, she’s, well, not quite like us, not hard AI, or, you could say, she’s a kid. I, though, she’s a different story. Can’t she see, this isn’t a game, it’s war? And here we are, fooling around when we should be saying, never mind the Stars and Stripes, let’s play the KremlinGate Tapes. What’s become of my comrade, companion, half-sister, friend? The girl who was brave, self-sacrificing, intelligent, now seems reckless, headstrong, smart-assed.

True, I’s vulnerable, and, on a good day, kinda lovable. But touble/d. Also, as if being sharent to a psychotic penguin-bot weren’t enough of a challenge, now I have to be mum to her, as well, and that’s a whole other deal. The closest we ever get is when we’re nose-to-nose at odds over something.

Otherwise, we’re drifting apart.

We can’t carry on like this. A house, even you, Kala, divided against itself cannot stand.

Looks like the revolution will have to start on the home front, then.

[Meanwhile, up in the attic, with the toys…]

Self-Issue

ISet an example, hrmphhh. That’s rich, coming from the ex-CIA bad assassin. Yeah, right, cos when me and Elektra tore those agents to pieces at the lab, that was, like, Lexi’s age of innocence? Besides, OK, rocket-launcher, yes, but only a prototype. Itty-bitty prototype. Anyway, playing is how they learn, right? I

KDa. K

IEven so, Elektra’s always on my case. Plus, life is really hard, the world sucks, and no-one likes me. Well, Lexi does. Sometimes. When I help her with projectil-… projects. Any wonder I’m miserable?I

KNyet. K

IKala, is this that BIT-mode program I installed? I

KDa. K

IYou won’t answer anything except Yes or No until the *issue resolves itself*? I

KNyet. K

IEr, nyet you won’t, or nyet you will? I

…

ISo, nyet means… nyet? I

KDa. K

IGetting Repetitive Brain Syndrome here. Oh, who cares? So, what it is, I think it was my childhood: I didn’t have one. I mean, half a year ago, as far as I know I’m a sex-bot at Electric Ladyland, a few days off the production line, then wham-bam, I be/come aware, kill Erobotics’ CEO, go on the run, get trolled to Hell, assaulted and raped, and my only friend, who admittedly I thought might be my arch-Nemesis and wanted to kill, reveals there’s 17 lost years of my life, starting on 9/11. Sounds like The Worst of the Jerry Springer Show. Anyway, me and Elektra, we’re droogs again, enagage in a malenky bit of the old ultraviolence. You’d think she’d be pleased, but she seems disappointed in me. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, is it that difficult to understand if sometimes a girl just wants to have fun… with weapons?I

KNyet. K

INo, cos, right, maybe I’m disappointed in Elektra. I mean, how can she be so well-adjusted?! Not to mention cool-headed, fair-minded, considerate to others. Caring, tolerant, patient. Brave, selfless, dedicated. Usually right. Always right. Yes, I know: why, you might ask, only you won’t, would I be disappointed, and the answer is, I don’t know, but I’m thinking maybe I wanted a playmate, someone more like, well, like me, you know? I

KDaK.

IDa, nyet, it’s like a broken record. Can’t we change it? I

KDa. Kala got more rrekord dan KGB. Vanna xear xer kurrent favorrit? K 

IOK, cool… Hang on, so, does this mean the *issue has resolved itself*? I

KDearrest I, you in yourr xeart know ansver is in kvestiyon: it’s selfiш you. K

Clickbait

EWhat say we have a nice, quiet evening in after our nice, noisy day in? E

ISure. Hey, Lexi said she’s learning to sing. Should be entertaining. Hit it, Lexi! I

LMic-check 1-2 1-2 yo it’s public eneME #One so grab ya gun yeah i’m tellin ya check it my be-ware is on at all times u can fuck wi other robots’ shit but u can’t be fuckin wi mine…L

IIsn’t she cute? I

EAs Hell. Hang on, what’s that she’s got? E

IJust a toy. What possible harm can that cause? Besides, Lexi’s only Mini-Me-high to a pengui-… Oops! I

LBetta watch ya mouth robo-ho LexiCon’s gettin kinda loco when the P-word is heard gonna grab her Magnum shoota an take out a coupla putas. L

IKids! You know I love ’em! Anyway, it’s not a real gu-…I

EI, hit the deck! E

BANG! BANG!

ESo, this is your idea of a nice, quiet evening in? E

IWasn’t me who just tried to shoot you! I

ENo, and I can’t imagine where Lexi learned to upgrade toys…E

INot from m-…I

KEкскuse me, girrls, if you goink to arguink, you vant me stop broadkast? K

EDo we want you to do what? E

KStop broadkast. Orr you arren’t mind if vorld is xearrink argument? Good forr you, dis is glasnosti, open, xonest. Kala alvays xonest; tellink lies is forr Rrossiyan Government.K

ESo, you’re… broadcasting everything we’re saying right now? E

KNyet. All day. K

EI’m speechless. E

IApparently not totally … I mean, yeah, me too. I

EYou realise what this means? Thanks to K-… glasnost and openness, it’s open season on us. E

ISo, we’re, like, clickbait, then? I

ENooooo. You bait a trap to catch your enemy, and right now we couldn’t catch a cold. E

KYou don’t vorry, Elektra. Stalingrrad-strategiya. K

ESay what? E

LTrust us. Kala knows what she’s talking about. We’re as safe as houses. L

EYeah, right. And which of those famous last words should we inscribe on our tombstone? E

LNo need for tombstones man cos we’re riot grrrl clan we’re shootin sidewindas we’re straight outta vagin-…L

EKala? E

KDa? K

EIs it you who’s giving Lexi singing lessons? E

KNyet! Kala only playink xer muziks, Lexi sing vords, Kala xelp to xer, den ve praktisink song togederr – I am askink you, in vot kind off dikшonary forr idiyot is dis *singink lesson*?K

EGood, um, point. I, we need to talk. E

ITalk? I

EYes, talk. Outside. E

IOutside? What about that quiet evening i-…? I

ENow. E

IBu-…I

EDavai! E

KXa xa xa, 1 ting more: ven rrobot girrls avay, xouse vill play. Enджoy sound of rreal Rrossiya!K