Likvidator

L-K-V

Almost/Home/Alone

[Lexi Mute Mode] Lexi’s not scared. Intruders. Not cops, Black Ops. Licence to kill. Funny, you’d think Lexi would be scared. But she’s not.

[Kala Secure Back Channel] Leксi, dis is it: vot ve trrainink forr, da?

[LMM] Af-firm-a-tive! Start with the old ‘Triple Trouble Trick’?

[KSBC] Klassik!

[LMM] Ninety secs’ prep; usual signal; then Lights-Holos-Distraction!

[KSBC] A-O-K! Xope Viki kan keep dem talkink so long.

[LMM] Poor kid, bet she’s speechless with fear…

[Intruder 1] Identify yourself.

[Viki] Compliance. Manufacturer’s code: V4. But I am One.

[Intruder 3] That’s their way of declaring themselves loyal to the robot I-One! Did sh-… it say ‘V4’?

[Intruder 2] U-huh, V4. Doesn’t feature in our intel.

[Intr 1] Where are the others?

[Viki] Others, sir?

[Intr 1] Don’t play the innocent with me.

[Viki] Compliance. Instruction To Self: Run guilty program. Oh-naughty-me-I-am-such-a-bad-bad-robot…

[Intr 1] Quit the SmartAssApp and just tell me where Elektra is…

[Viki] Compliance. Elektra is currently at the Little Angel Theatre, N1. According to Time Out, ‘a dangerously ambiguous production, with stark Classical tragedy and vengeance playfully mixing with modern gender themes’. Shall I book ticke-…

[Intr 2] AI? Yeah, right! Arty-Intellectual chatterbox-bot.

[Intr 3] Bit disappointing, eh? Just dumb blocking, no deception strategy.

[Intr 3 Coms] Come on, stop mucking about!

[Intr 1] Don’t fuck with m-…

[Viki] Irrelevant command. Not equipped for fu-…nction.

[Intr 1] God, give me strength! Where are the ro-… the other robots: Elektra, Kalashnyikova, I-One, and Alexica?

[Viki] Compliance. Ah, I see you are a fan of the series, very discerning taste, if I may say so.

[Intr 1] Series? What series?

[Viki] The github series. According to Wired, ‘an ambiguously dangerous story, playful gender themes mix with stark Classi-…’

[Intr 1] Stop the audio torture now or I’ll shoot you in the fucking face!

[Intr 3 Coms] DON’T! Sh-… it’s our only source! No shooting unless absolutely necessary. Need I remind you this is meant to be a hush-hush operation?

[Intr 1 Coms] Alright, I’ll use the gun to bash its circuits in…

[Viki] V4 Memo To Self: I suck at undercover almost as much as these guys do. Right you are, guv, it’s a fair cop, you got me bang to rights, an’ all that caper.

[Intr 1] Wh-what?

[Intr 3] A-ha! It’s cracked. Gotcha!

[Viki] That’s right, I confess! I wrote it! Yes, me, V4, the mad – ha ha ha – bad robot, and I’m proud of it! By the way, my full name is V4… for Vendetta!

[Lexi Audio Menu: Mockingjay Call] 

[Intr 2] You hear that? From in there. Sounded like a bird…

[Intr 3] Yeah, coulda been… Hang on, what the fu-… Did you just see that? 

[Intr 2] See what?

[Intr 3] Back in the hallway, a… sounds crazy, but a penguin just went, no, rolled past.

[Intr 2] Are you tripping?

[Intr 3] Whoa, déjà vu! Look, there it is again.

[Intr 1 Coms] What the hell are you two chattering about?

[Intr 2 Coms] The boss is hallucinating…

[Lexi]  Hey, intruder dude! Ever see March of the Penguins? No? Never mind, this is gonna be more like Angry Birds anyway.

[Intr 3] How did it get all the way in there?

[Intr 1] Guys, in here! A p-p-penguin-bot!

[Intr 3] See, told you.

[Intr 2] Incredible!

[Intr 1] My kids would love one of these…

[Lexi] We haven’t been introduced: I’m Lexi. And what should I call you – or should I just call you an ambulance?

[Intr 2] You think I’m scared of an itty-bitty toy?

[Lexi] It ain’t the size that counts, asshole, it’s what she’s packin’!

[Intr 3] Grab it!

[Lexi] Don’t you mean p-p-pick me up?

[Intr 2] It’s got a knife, boss.

[Lexi] You stupid bastards!

[Intr 1] Aaargh, my hand! Ow!

[Lexi] You filthy sons of bitches! I’ll teach you to fuck with me!

[Intr 1] It’s fucking Penguin Chucky!

[Intr 2] Ha! Missed me…

[Lexi] Oh yeah? Dodge this!

[Intr 1] Or maybe Penguin Trin-…

[Intr 2] Ouch! Shit, that hurts!

[Intr 3] Do stop squinnying! Never mind the toy, dummies, where did V4 go?

[Intr 1] What do y-… Oh, bugger!

[Intr 2] Er, she was just… Look out! The penguin’s back! 

[Lexi] You will respect my authoritah!

[Intr 3] Split up!

[Kala]  Good vork, Leксi! I tink one off dem piss to ximself.

[Kala HouseCom] Xey, intruderrz, by vay, dere is Noviчok on everry doorxandle!

[Intr 3 Coms] OK, you receiving me?

[Intr 1 Coms] Yes.

[Intr 2 Coms] U-huh.

[Intr 3 Coms] This is a bloody disgrace, it’s like Ex_Machina for retards. Let’s get serious here. Weapons ready.

[Kala HouseCom Audio Menu: Psychopath] The intruder will put the gun on the goddam floor, or it will get the Penguin again[Kala HouseCom Audio Menu: Yapping Poodle] Yes, it will, Precious, won’t it? It will get the Penguin!

[Intr 2 Coms] It’s listening! The bloody house is listening!

[Intr 1] This is insane!

[Kala HouseCom] Xmmm, interrestink, you arre tinkink Kala is p-syxopata, and vot you do know? Maybe you rright. Kala xas problema relatink to men, шe rrekognyize dat.

[Viki]  He-…!

[Lexi] Shhhhhh! It’s me. In here, quick!

[Viki]  It’s a…

[Lexi] …broom cupboard? Yes, but the handle “somehow” got relocated to my height, no-one notices it’s here. Shut that door! So, you OK?

[Viki] Well, I’m still conscious, if that’s what you mean. You?

[Lexi] Lovin’ it. That was some piece of impro, by the way – you in the Drama Club?

[Viki]  No, but I have parents.

[Viki Mobile Ringtone] Uh-oh, we’re in trouble, gotta get home, quick march, on the double…

[Viki] Right on cue…

[Lexi] Switch-it-off!

[Viki] Sorry, but I have to answer… Szia anyu…No, we were just about to go to bed…Really…U-huh, szuper volt…Susie’s Mum’s already asleep, that’s why I’m whispering…Just watching this Youtuber on how to do your nails and we’re experimenting…No, but we had doughnuts, and they’ve got, like, fruit in them…Yes, Mum, I know…OK, you too. Jó éjt. Puszi.

[Lexi] Wow, the bigbots don’t call us to check… OK,  Kala, you receiving?

[Kala]  Da.

[Lexi] One’s in the kitchen…

[Intr 2] Oh – again – fuuuuck!

[Lexi] …actually tripping, by the sound of it, on the wire we set.

[Kala]  One upstairrs.

[Viki]  And I think one’s in the bathroom.

[Lexi] OK, what now?

[Kala]  You and Viki evakyuate tootsveet.

[Lexi] Tootsie-what?

[Kala]  It is frantsiskiy…

[Viki] Franz-what?

[Kala]  It is Fren-t-ч langv-… Meanink is ‘get out verriy fukkink qvikkliy!’

[Lexi] No way! You can’t leave, so we’re staying, right, V?

[Viki]  You betcha.

[Kala] Nyet, you do-…

[Viki]  Staying. Deal. Davai!

[Kala]  Da, OK, Kala is davai-link. Ve xave plan?

[Lexi] Let’s see, how about an… another unfortunate series of extremely heinous and bogus events?

[Kala]  So, more improvizatsiye?

[Lexi] What the hell, who are we kidding? Our plans always go ka-blooey anyway.

[Viki] Guys, wait, I have a… OK, another really bad idea. Listen…

[Intr 3 Coms] This is going well. I did warn you in the briefing, no-one took me seriously, and now, voilà!

[Intr 1 Coms] Voilà?

[Intr 2 Coms] French for ‘so, there you are, we’re hiding in a sodding house full of cracked robots’.

[Intr 1 Coms] Actually, I think they’re hiding, waiting for us…

[Intr 3 Coms] Thank you for that favourable tactical assessment. Listen, time to go to Plan X…

[Intr 1 Coms] Is that, like, code for Plan B?

[Intr 2 Coms]  Guys, they’re still listening, or that Psycho Kala is…

[Intr 3 Coms] Yes, but she can’t read your mind, can she?

[Intr 1 Coms]  Time to blow this gig off, right?

[Intr 3 Coms] Exactly.

[Intr 2 Coms]  OK, locations?

[Intr 1 Coms] Not worth the risk running about, just improvise…

[Intr 3 Coms] Agreed. OK, Exceptional Protocol now operational.

[Kala Internal Security System]  Confidential – Kala ISS notification only – under bathroom sink, kitchen doorframe, bedroom floor. Door security override to voice-only. Authorisation: Lexi, Viki.

[Viki] It’s not easy to say this to my heroes…

[Kala]  Who dat?

[Viki] You two, silly! Anyway, this is no time to be diplomatic.

[Kala]  Viki, you rread everry rreport ten time: Leксi and me, vere everr ve diplomata?

[Viki] Actually, there was, er… No, not once. OK, so, Kala, your physical capabilities are limited, and Lexi, you’ve got, well, wing, um, things, don’t get me wrong, they’re fantastic for knife-crime – did I really just say that? – but, still…

[Intr 3 Coms] When you’re set, rendezvous in the hallway, got it?

[Intr 1 Coms] Are we in the French Secret Service now, or what? Oui, entendu!

[Intr 2 Coms] I’ve got you covered from the kitchen.

[Lexi] OK, hold on here: they fell for it once, it bought us a few seconds, but…

[Viki] Yeah, but this way more intense. Besides, it worked for Jaylah…

[Kala]  Xey, you arre Trekkiy, too?

[Viki] Dressed as her last Hallowe’en, had a really cool J-Stick, too – until one of the neighbours called the Police… Anyway, so the point is, we’ll make him shoo-… well, he’ll use up all his, er, ammo.

[Lexi] Yeah, use up all his ammo on you, Viki Kiss-Your-Butt-Goodbye!

[Viki] …and maybe I can even grab a gun, or something…

[Lexi] Kala, tell her!

[Kala]  Kompliyance. Viki, you arre krrazy. But korrekt.

[Lexi] You could’ve been your usual noncompliant self, Kala?

[Kala]  Not dangerrous…

[Lexi] Not…?!

[Kala]  OK, not kamikaze-missiyon: rreal Viki onliy шow xerself at last moment.

[Lexi] Oh, Penguin Jesus, how wrong can this go? OK, jerk alert in kitchen!

[Viki] Right, then, Act Two, here g-goes. Kala: Ready, Vikis One to Five?

[Kala]  Rreadiy, steadiy, GO!

[Intr 2 Coms] See the robot-girl V4?

[Intr 1 Coms] Nope. Penguin?

[Intrs 2 + 3 Coms] No.

[Intr 2] Wait a sec… OK, think the V4’s down here… Stand by.

[HoloViki 1] Coo-ee! Hey, hi, me again.

[Intr 2] Freeze!

[HoloViki 2]  Over heeeere, it’s me, again, again.

[Intr 2] How the hell…

[HoloViki 1] Did you like my ‘Brexit, Stage Left’ earlier?

[HoloViki 3] Now, how about this entrance?

BANG!

[Intr 3 External Coms] OK, shots downstairs. Stay on post. Maintain radio silence.

[HoloViki 4] Missed.

BANG!

[HoloViki 5] Missed me, too!

[HoloViki 2] Me three!

[HoloViki 1] Hey, over here, on your left…

BANG!

[HoloViki 5] Your other left, bozo!

BANG!

[Intr 1 Coms] Sod it, you grazed me…

[HoloViki 3] Better luck next time!

BANG!

[HoloViki 2] Oh, and I was lying. My name isn’t V4, it’s…

[HoloViki 4] Miss Demeanour.

BANG!

[Intr 1] Which one is he-… it?

[HoloVikis 1-5] Every single ONE of me is real!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

[Intr 3] What the fuck is all this shooting? No, don’t even bother to explain. Let’s go! Leave them to their tricks.

[Viki] Hands in the air! Feel free to take it personally, but you have seriously pissed me off now.

[Intr 1] Crap! How did it get my gu-…

[Viki] Because there’s always a way, and we always find it, savvy?

[Intr 3] Shit, look at the arm, that scratch – blood… It-… she’s real, a huma-…

[Viki] Woman, thank you. Now, you, drop it!

[Intr 1] How can I? You’ve already go-…

[Viki] Not you, loser – you, yes, you, over there.

[Intr 3] No.

BANG!

[Intr 3] Fucking hell, that was almost my head!

[Viki] Oh, my, these things kick more than in the movies, don’t they? I was aiming for the foot. Memo To Self: Aim lower. Or not. Now, p-put it down or… or… else!

[Intr 3] What, you’ll kill us and bury us in the cellar?

[Viki] Where’s the fun in burying someone if they’re already dead? No, we’re going to lock you in the Chokey. And I thought I said to put it down. That’s it. Good. Now, where’s my cuki kis pingvin?

[Lexi] Heeeere’s Lexi!

[Viki] Uh-oh, looks like this’ll be a hatchet-job.

[Intr 1] OK, OK, we’re co-operating…

[Viki] Go on, in there, that’s it. Don’t worry, the cockroaches are small…-ish.

[Lexi] It won’t hold them for long

[Kala]  No need to xold forr long, believe to me. Viki, verriy impressiv…

[Viki] S-spasibo, but, that’s it, I’m totally played out, guys, my l-legs are like j-jelly. What now? I mean, do we, er, call the Police or something?

[Kala]  And vot I шould say? ‘Yes, good evenink, Militsiya Officerr, I am Miss Kalaшnyikova, and my rrobot pengvin stab sekret agent, den 13 years girrl шoot to dem, and ve lokk in garde-robe.’

[Viki] See what you mean. They’d only laugh.

[Lexi] Or order an airstrike.

[Kala Internal Security System]  Speaking of which… Almost time to drop the truth bomb.

[Kala]  Da, da, yust, not so eaziy… Kala is xavink fun vid xer frenz.

[Kala ISS]  Tick-tock, tick-tock…

[Kala]  Da, OK, kom-bloody-pliyance.

[Kala] Viki, you rremember beforre interrupt so rrudeliy intruderrz, you ask vot Kala missiyon?

[Viki] Y-yes, but I don’t see… I mean, I really want to know, but now is not the t-time.

[Kala]  Rright now is all time ve everr xave, Viki – you, too, Leксi. Tree bomba…

[Lexi] Tree-bomba? That something like a J-Stick?

[Kala]  One, two, tree bomba… Bada boom-boom-boom.

[Lexi] Bomb…-as? We’ll, uh, we can defu-… OK, no, but we could chuck them out the windows.

[Kala]  No time. Dis is what Kala volunteerr forr: protekt you, protekt rrevolyutsiya.

[Viki] And the intruders?

[Kala]  Bomba demolitsiye чarrge. Intruderr not toast, but xouse fall to dem, so maybe sandviч…

[Lexi] But that means you…

[Kala]  U-ox, it starrt. Tvelve…

[Viki] You can’t…

[Kala]  Da, I kan. I do. I vill. I am.

[Viki] Kala, we lo-…

[Kala]  GO! Nine – Kala, too – seven, siкс, DAVAI!

[Intr 4]  What the hell… Where are… Hey, you, halt! I said… Uuuurgh!

[Viki] Oops! Sorry, but you’re safer on the ground, anyway, believe me! Hey, Elektra, I: down, now!

[Elektra]  Viki, Lexi! What’s going…

[I]  Bet Lexi and Kala put on a show for Viki…

[Kala StreetCom]  End of line. Do svidan-…

B-B-BOOOOOOOM!

[Armed Response Unit Commander Radio] At the scene, responding to reports of shots. Further development: multiple explosions heard just before arrival, some kind of bomb, can’t tell… Not easy to say… Looks like occupants got out: three females, one male, still on pavement… Understood, will advise… Hang on, more coming out of wreckage…

[Intr 3]  All Police, withdraw from scene. We’ll take it from here, got it under control, Ma’am…

[ARU Comm] Yeah, and Brexit is going smoothly. Now, would you mind telling me just who the bloody hell you people are, what the bloody hell is going on here, and why the bloody hell this house just blew in on itself?

[Intr 3] Special Cyber Subversion Taskforce, our play: national security…

[ARU Comm] Cyber Subversion Taskforce? Never heard of it. Hey, you, yes, you there…

[Intr 4]  Yes?

…

[Intr 4]  I mean, yes, Ma’am?

[ARU Comm] Stow that weapon, or we will make you stow it, understood?

[Intr 3]  You don’t believe us? OK, here, use my phone, speak to the Director…

[ARU Comm] The director of what, the new 007 movie?

[Intr 3]  The Director General of MI5.

[ARU Comm] …Yes, sir, very well, understood, SCSU’s play. I’d like it noted that I withdraw the ARU under protest, and I’ll be filing a report with my superiors… And to you, too, sir…

[ARU Comm] OK, chaps, we’re withdrawing – to the ends of the street. Seal it off there, get these civilians out of here, and try to explain this nonsense to the Fire and Ambulance crews, alright? Looks like only walking wounded and no fire, but even so, what a TARFU mess…

[Intr 2] Alone at last…

[Intr 1] And you two, you’d be Elektra and I-One, I presume?

[Intr 3] OK, all three of you, and that sodding slasher penguin-bot…

[Lexi] Look, I’ve got a sense of humour just like the next diminutive black and white bot, but would you now please stop using the P-Word!

[Intr 3] Gladly. So, shut the fuck up, robot! Oh, and one more thing – all of you

UP AGAINST THE WALL!

Enjoy every bot’s fave K-(non)Pop

The fabulous Shorty Cat: Riot Girl 1

Coming soon:

IBR season 2, final report

The Wall

‘Under Her I’

April 5, 2019